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  • Writer's pictureAlice Belz

Conscious Rage to heal Codependent relating

Conscious Rage to heal codependent relating

He hugs and kisses me goodbye, before heading to work. His hug feels warm, I surrender and soften, before I free myself with a smile, already looking forward to my day.

My womb area gives me the first subtle, but aching warning, until the red flag reaches my mind. My body is familiar with this excruciating pain when he says: “See you later and oh, just so you know, I will call this women.“

I say familiar, because this repeats already more than a year, twice, three times a week in different facettes.

I am tearing up and observe how much I am longing to be held in his arms, him stroking my head with a soothing voice telling me that he understands and he changed his mind about cheating on me. He basically hands me my entry ticket into a low drama. However, something is different today. The tension in the air is palpable, while I am unable to move , unable to calm down, unable to skillfully use breathing techniques I learned from yoga, unable to try one second longer to be ok with something I am not.

What I do instead is, I consciously raise my anger. I speak up. The clarity of my words land in the space: “If you keep on cheating on me, I will not share the bedroom with you anymore.” I turn away and close the door behind me.

It is time for rage work: I set a timer for 3 minutes for going into 100 % anger.

I scream, I say out loud, all the blaming, the hatred, the unspeakable, my towel hits innumerous times the pillows, the wall, it`s getting messy, I am not looking good — I unlock pure, raw, feminine rage.

My whole inner prison is screaming at me, craving for my victim state of crying for the next hours, feeling lonely and lost. That would have been on the menue the last years in codependent relationships for me.

I experience the deceptive comfort of this place, having enmeshed the sensation of familiarity with feeling at home. Playing the victim would lead to another lost day, with self-pity instead of celebrating my life, my existence, my projects, my love.

As a participant in a Rage Space holder training I learned to take vitamin R (*R=Rage ). It feels like taking a supplement, energizing my body. My rage serves as the guardian to my dignity, protecting my inner garden. This is how I can powerfully stand in my own integrity, how I build a fence around my inner garden, so that I have no one (bull-) shiting in my garden anymore. I am not buying into your lies anylonger. It’s simple: “If you choose to do this — you don´t get to be with me.” Sounds arrogant? YES!

Are you familiar with a man, your partner, your ex-partner treating you in a dishonouring way and you keep forgiving him? Keep going back? Deliberately returning to your abuser? Or you have this thing of: It didn´t work out, but now we are friends? Stop being naïve.

It’s time to get real: Codependency and love cannot happen at the same time.

I can say this, because I am in the pain of seeing my own fantasy world crashing just in front of my eyes. Voices in my head want to convince me: This was the last time. Now he will change. Finally he understands me and won´t do it again.

The irritation in my nervous system is sending me clear signals that there is a discrepancy between his words of “But I respect and I really love you” and the reality I face: It was not the last time.

From many women I hear, that receiving those mixed signals on the long run, lead to severe and chronic sicknesses. In my case, on the long run equals since I relate to men. I repeat this pattern in every romantic relating. I can also turn it around: I don´t know how to relate to men. AND — I am learning it, with my rage right at my side.

It is not about the other person. The golden key is to be responsible for my behaviour. Responsibility is my superpower.

Only with rage, something changes!

While I am writing this I am in a romantic relating. What is different this time is, that I speak about the lies — not only with my partner. Not only with other people, commonly complaining how bad things are, to then go back and repeat the same old story, not only with a psychologist or a male coach or men. Fearful I open up about it at the most scary places: I speak about it with women! In the beginning it was like being naked in public and what unfolds on the way is magical: I am so touched when women vulnerably share with me the raw version of similar experiences. One women told me: „To stay single is the only way I can keep my dignity.”

Let`s pull the curtains where once psycho-emotional abuse happened in secrecy, let`s lift the carpet and deal together with the grubs, cockroaches and dirt under it and let`s stop the lies of “Thank you, I am fine”, or “My relating works” or “It is ok. We are serving each other well.”

Has it been long enough?

After decades of allowing emotional abuse, cheating, betrayal, lying, accusations, blaming and deception I figure out how rage work serves as a life safer.

Everytime when I experience women raging together, it’s so powerful that I am covered all over in goosebumps. In awe, I have seen women accessing their conscious anger, which is this endless source of creation.

It is one of our most precious resources to say YES, to say NO, to set healthy boundaries and to say what we want. Can you imagine something more powerful than a women saying what she wants? To a man? Setting a boundary instead of walling, complaining or disconnecting?

Our generations old Rage is the door opener to actually relate in a healthy, clear and clean and loving adult way to men: “When the two games are well played, they are perfectly complementary”

Conscious Anger paves the way to love and gentleness.

“The new game could go like this: There is no problem between men and women. There are men and there are women. Men and women play different games. The two games when well played are perfectly complementary.”

Get in touch, to rage and create together:

Written on Mallorca, November 2023

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