An article co-written by Alice Belz and Isabel Esterl
Millions of cullets in front of me, spreaded all over the floor.The pain is real. Another relational space got broken in an excruciating painful way. While I collect the pieces of broken glass I ponder: How come, even though relating is one of my Bright Principles and even though relating, romantically as well as to my sisters and brothers is one of the most important things in my life, I fail.
I fail in creating the loving spaces I really want.
In my deep reflections I become aware that my relatings have a similar pattern, the honey-moon in the beginning, turning into toxicity pretty soon and the holding on to it with a separation like a nightmare eventually. If it is a pattern, it is worth to have a closer look: I cannot look away longer and I cannot blame men for my misery anymore, so I ask myself honestly: How do I create this?
I know I won’t find the answer in the next man, the next partnership or the next distraction. I will sit and take a sincere inventory of my Underworld.
I also know, this time I will do something else, something I have never done before: Probably, the most scary thing I can do as a White Widow: On 01. 01. 24 I commit to the White Widow Experiment, in the deep knowing: I will find at least some answers, maybe some Golden Keys which open doors to a radical relating.
I will make this year about me:Who am I without a man?
What do I want in my life?What do I really love?
Women, how do we create authentic connection to a Man?
Hey! This is a call to bring your feminine voice and speak from your Being. Come and sit with us in the circle.How can other Women be on your team, to unleash your dormant wants?
This question is an invitation for a collaborative transformational journey and healing sisterhood instead of trying to fix yourself alone. Reach out to us if you want to be connected.
The White Widow Strategy is a Survival Strategy, where a man or woman hooks or offers hooks to another human with sexual energy to get something. Something can be attention, admiration, being accepted by the group, safety, or sex… The list is endless.
The strategy is one of the main survival strategies of humans on planet earth. You can recognize it in yourself by observing how you behave in front of the gender you feel attracted to. What do you do with your hair? How is your voice? How are you laughing about his jokes? How do you look him into his eyes?
The price is high.
Inauthentic relationships based on low drama, power games, numbing strategies with any kind of drugs are generating more and more human Beings that are disconnected to their feelings and purpose. The consequences are poor connections to other humans, life and earth, that causes destruction of any aliveness and creation.
Become centered means to say ciao to the White Widow survival strategy
Using this strategy is not bad — and it has a high and often unspoken price.
The White Widow is waiting for something to happen in the future. She is unaware of her capacity to create from the small now. She wants to be chosen, she wants to be rescued, she does not ask, she hooks with her eyes, her body language, her jokes, an innocent twinkle with her eyes, her sweet, sexy voice.
She plays a show to achieve something, wearing a mask.
A centered Woman is grounded in her own values, feelings, and body. She has clarity about what she wants, and is not easily influenced by external pressures or opinions. Being centered means being able to navigate life with clarity and love, even in challenging situations.
It is about being connected to her compass of reality, her intuition.
How to create an alive, radical honest and love-based relating to a Man?
Are you ok to invite the Man or are you waiting for permission?
The Woman is the spaceholder of the relating space. The space she wants.
No one will do it for you. There is no white horse and prince, dear Sister.
Are you ok to meet in the Unknown?
Playing the White Widow Strategy in the Unknown is impossible, because the White Widow-Show is well known, familiar and a comfort-zone. Socially totally accepted and common, it might have been your habitual way to get from a man what you want. That was the case for us.
Being the spaceholder means going first in making a real, authentic offer to the Man you want to relate with you. You are setting the context, the basis for the relating.
In the training Intimacy Journey held by Vera Franco and Meredith Witt, we, the co- authors of this article- dared to go on a conscious intimacy journey with partners we have never met before.
We decide to sign up for an experiment with the question:
How can I be with a Man without using my strategy?
How can I really, authentically relate to a Man?
We navigated the space with our partners mostly with our fear, without letting the fear take us away from reality.
The brave Men committed to meet us on a daily basis, for four weeks: It is on us to be in charge of the space, to set the context and to create the intimacy we want and have been longing for so long.
We figure this is a powerful place to start a relating, either to a romantic partner or a brother.
Our invitation for you is: be bold, make the space about you and enjoy the magic of your power unfolding.With open hearts, we share our contexts.
Alice, the one she offers to a Man called Michael and Isabel her culture she wants to live in. May they serve your unfolding, too:
Alice:
This is a space to empower me to be a spaceholder for creating intimacy.The purpose is to allow myself to heal and to allow my Being to unfold.In this space, I practice skills such as-asking for what I want;-showing myself vulnerable, and going first with that; and- proposing intimacy experiments (to which you can say: yes, no, yes and).This practice is to create the experience of BEING WITH, being with you.I declare a space that gives me ground to stand in my Archetypal magic as a feminine Being, while I lean into your Nothingness.Michael, will you hold space for me to unfold my feminine Being?
Isabel:
In my culture, feelings are welcome to be expressed, listened to, and connected to consciously chosen actions. We source aliveness from the smallest moment, starting over again and again. Actions are sourced by each person’s unique heartbeat. Finding one’s own unique heartbeat is a way to empower each other to be our authentic potential, where creation and collaboration are ecstatically lived, sourced from Archetypal Love.In my culture, people live in a healing village where we generously heal each other. Healing is an adventurous journey to come closer to reality. We are committed to the everythingness and nothingness beneath the patriarchal crust within each of us.Mistakes do not exist — only consequences and results that either work or do not work in experiential reality. Being radiant for no reason and delivering our inner non-material value is how we walk on Gaia. Radical responsibility is sourced from a deep love for life and a commitment to guarding and nurturing it.In my culture each beings visions are a sacred Flower to be nourished and taking care of.
There is a tension between what a woman is and what a woman wants to create. By being clear about the purpose and her vision, she evokes what she wants to create.
No compromising.
The woman asks for what she wants. She says: I am buying ice cream, will you join me? I want to be with you.
No expectations! No rescuing, clear and simple!
With her capacity to hold her fear in unknown territory, she navigates the space to go forward for what she cares about right now.
A centered Woman keeps her sword of clarity at the Man’s throat, her heart open and vulnerable, she keeps the bar high, mediocrity is not interesting.
And what if I don’t get what I want? We hear you.
A Warrioress checks the purpose behind her request. Is it a Gremlin move? Or is it coming from an adult want?
A Woman standing with both feet in Archiarchy has innumerous possibilities.
In contrast, as White Widows we just have one: our strategy.
We lack possibilities, because it feels as if flirting and being nice are the only ways to get what we desire. Have you ever considered that flirting is manipulative?
Using sexual energy, to look, behave and speak in a certain way to get the attention from men is manipulation.
The most effective way of manipulation, is to leak sexual energy while you look a man into his eyes and energetic leakage through your second chakra.
We move a certain way to get his attention. It is as easy as just walking down the street and the man sitting in the cafe would notice — you.
We suspect: you know that game, probably every women does.
That’s what we have done all our life — so far.
It worked.
The road of fixing ourselfs
The fight against reality: changing me for him or him for me
Actually the White Widow lives in the past by trying to fulfill one or more unmet childhood- needs of being safe and loved.
She is playing a win lose game to control the man and be in competition with other Women.She expects the man to be responsible for her happiness, only with a man our lives would be amazing and exciting, we thought.If he does not play that game though, or not well enough according,
she will resent and eventually hate him.And what if he plays with her — after having some pornsex and going through a fantasy world honeymoon phase- she will take revenge by controlling and ultimately trying to change him.
Pig-making was on our daily agenda, a constant subtle or not so subtle complaining, directed towards our partners or men, behind their back or as a main topic to discuss and gossip with our best friends.
We already resent him, just by looking into the dirty sink. A comment would not even be necessary.A woman relating with a man from a place of survival would collect all his failures according to her expectation in a little handbag to explode in the moment he is the most vulnerable.
There seems to be a silent war going on between women:
A White Widow hooks the man. She might do that in different ways, to eventually be loved by him, be the chosen one and receiving a man’s attention. What do you think how your sister would like that ?
During our White Widow Experiment we found out, that we observe and scan other women, wanting to be like her. It could be her skinny legs, long, thick hair, pure skin, being smart, funny, not too close, really friendly, or her being less of a problem: In short: we would be trying to be perfect and fix ourselves, so that a man would chose us, next time.
Even if we seem to get along with other women, sharing a coffee, having nice, even deep conversations, real closeness would be not accessible as our constant internal comparing game would go on.
In reality it poisons and destroys your relating to your sister.
Ever noticed how the energy in a space shifts, when you are with your sisters and all of a sudden a man appears? Probably you know what we are talking about.Imagine you could create a connection to each woman you meet, a stranger or a very close friend, wouldn’t that be amazing? Amazingly relaxing?What if each woman could be your most authentic sister and you could create as much intimacy with the cashier, your neighbour and your teammate at work?
This is possible the moment you stop the fight over a man’s attention.The moment you make it about you and her.
A nourishing, loving intimacy with Men is not possible if you relate through your survival strategy
Have you ever noticed after relating to a man you start lowering your standards? Are you trying to be ok with things you aren’t?The White Widow lets her sword down, she almost does not have a sword.
After a fight you would make up with sex? Sounds familiar?
Being stressed you shouted at your man. Parts of your Underworld came to surface, or you were demanding more from your partner, with the intention to take a stand for your wants and he didn’t approve?He might distance himself or fight back, something is off in the relating for however long. What to do as White Widow?
We go back to flirting, being nice to him, cooking dinner, attempting to have another conversation with him, explaining ourselves, compromising our real wants to not lose him or winning him back by seducing him.A common way to manipulate the relating.
And how do you get to know a man, a potential partner?
Are you, like we did, putting on clothes for him, are you adapting to patriarchal sexualised standards with lipstick and make-up, sexy clothes handing the power over to men?In modern society men get to decide, it’s actually not us woman choosing for ourselves, standing in our own authority.
And how do you choose a Man?
Let’s be real:
Do you choose by status?
By coolness- factor?
Do you let your box choose?Do you scan, who is the Alpha in space? The CEO, the Yoga-teacher or the coolest guy at a party?Already taken? You go and play nice and oh so interested in the second best option at an event, in the office or at a dinner.
That’s what we did.Our “win-lose-game” led us to unconsciously choose to relate to the mask of the man, not his heart.
Both lose.
We propose a different game: Next time you are with a man, fully connect with your body, center yourself and check: Do I like him? Completely forget about the: does he like me- scanning?
Who am I without my White Widow crust ?
The crust says: I am not thin enough. My skin is not beautiful enough, I am not attractive if I don’t use the strategy, my appearance is not good.
If I don’t use my strategy he doesn’t want to be with me.
From there, the doubting spiral starts. I am not getting attention, means I am not valuable.
In the White Widow crust, there are a lot of old stories:
-if I don’t use my strategies, the man will see who I really am.
-If I don’t use the sexual energy, all my self-judgements bubble up.
-sexual energy brings lightness, fun
- I can distract myself from my own underworld or the pain of it , e.g. immense self-hatred
The White Widow crust is a buffer between your Being and the World. This crust acts as a shield over their authenticity, influencing their actions with a hidden agenda. A lot of interactions, whether with Men or Women, are subtly driven by a desire to dominate, manipulate, or achieve a specific outcome — whether it’s gaining admiration, securing a relationship, or even getting favors like a job or repairs.
Individuals employing this strategy may not be aware of it, as it can feel like a normal way of interacting — using a certain tone of voice, specific looks, or particular clothing choices. However, the White Widow crust ultimately prevents genuine expression and authentic connections, as it distorts interactions with an unconscious purpose behind them.
Recognizing and dismantling this crust is crucial for those seeking to be fully present and true to themselves in their relationships and actions.
At some point the experiment of not playing the White Widow Strategy anymore can become rigid.
No smile, no contact, no flirtatious jokes turned into a dogma for us. The life juice was missing, heart to heart connections, too.
The first 3 months we can only recommend to go cold turkey. From our experience after this follows a period of finding out how to circulate the newly unfolding energy in our bodies. It turned us crazy at times. We asked us: what to do with all this energy and our longing, our deep desire to also be with men?
Exercising, creation and staying in our bodies gave us a new experience of taking Life full in. No Gremlin, no leaking of sexual energy by looking into men’s eyes, waiting for the “zing”, this unspoken deal of exchanging the subtle, sexual substance. We harvest the energy all for ourselves. We are flying to the next creation, the next project, our Everythingness expands.
With practice, we figureI: it is totally possible to have eye- contact with men, without the exchange of sexual energy. It serves deep connection.
Who are we without our White Widow? We hardly recognize ourselves.
And we want to go a step further:
What if you do not have to know who you are? What if your impulses are alive, non-linear and full of surprises?
A completely different life besides survival is waiting for you.
There is no recipe. The path of a human beings is unique and it is a choice to let unfold your Being in every breath you take. Experiencing instead of knowing.
Which game do you wanna play?
IT IS A GAME.
A game for which we pay the price to allow being valued from the outside.
Over time your heart is slowly but steadily starving. Exchanging subtle sexual substances is a feast for your Gremlin and an insult for your heart. Instead of being connected to our own heart, women decide to be connected to what a man wants.
You have no access to radical honest sisterhood, experiencing the aliveness of your authentic feelings with an undefended heart and the extraordinary relatings are only some of the prices you are paying by living your strategy.
Are you ready to stand with two feet in the culture you want?
Are you ready to unfold your true inner longing?
What are you longing for?
The circle of Women of Earth has been waiting for. Will you join us for living your truest desires? Together, we leave partriarchy behind, we are not even interested in fighting against something.
On the path of creation, evolution and sourcing the love we are longing for, we are guided by our heart and the wisdom of our womb.
If you want to create something there is no waiting for someone to do it for you.
Women, we go first!
Experiments:
Ask for an I want space, where you for 10 minutes let yourself spark what you want in your life, your relating spaces with Man or another Woman.Then change roles. Do this experiment 5 times. Afterwards define your context and your culture you are in. This is the plateau to keep going.
What happens if you refrain from any contact (any!) with Men of your life for one year? The White Widow Experiment. One week no eye- contact with any men: For one week chose to have no eye-contact with men, wherever you go. Look at their ear, eyes or away and see what unfolds for you. Which feelings are coming up?Ask other Women to be on your team. Being a lone wolf will not cause deep transformation. If you think you can do transformation alone, read more here: https://yourteams.mystrikingly.com.
References:
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